Dramatized Worry

 I am listening to the book, You Don't Have to Suffer by Judy Tatelbaum.  It is an interesting self help book that talks about all of the things we, as humans, do to prolong suffering.  I do not really care for
self help books because they always make me feel bad/shamed and then defensive but I have found some parts of this book interesting.

One thing that was discussed in the book is that we tend to dramatize our worries and plan for the worst case senario.  I thought "oh course, then you are pleasantly surprised and re-leaved." But then I started looking at the my life and thinking of my dramatic worries (this does not include anxiety which I will probably touch on later in this blog). 

In September I noticed a spot on my back; I thought it was a scrape or a bruise but it didnt go away.  Then I noticed that it was starting to feel rough and scaly, so I started lotioning it but it still did not go away.  My family has a long history of skin cancer (not the bad kind but the "burn it off come back in 6 months"- sorry I cant remember) and so I was a little concerned.  I started doing some research and found that the shape, size, and fast appearance made it suspicious. I showed my Mom and she also thought it looked concerning

So December 1 I made an appointment with a dermatologist. I note that it was December 1 because they could not get me in until the end of February! So I waited for my appointment, getting worried and anxious because I thought it would grow or spread.  

My appointment came around and they cancelled it... the day of... because of snow.  I was so mad because I was sure I was dying and they didn't care!! Well they got me squeezed in two weeks later, so I saw the doctor yesterday. 

This brings me back to the idea of dramatizing worries.  I was sure that I had some type of skin cancer so I knew that it would probably need to be removed and it is large so it would probably require stitches and some TLC. Then I worried that the biopsy would show something bad and I would need to go through some type of radiation therapy to ensure it was all out (or another surgery).  Then I worried that I would be too sick to drive my kids around and soccer season was starting- should I just pull them out of soccer now to preemptively plan for that eventuality? Then I planned on hiring a nanny- there must be a Young Woman from church who could drive my kids around every afternoon. My husband might have to take time off to care for me and for the house/kids but I am sure we could arrange his time off, maybe not take a summer trip so that he could use it now and.....spiral....spiral....loss of hair.... weight loss.....spiral..... I could write on my blog about how hard but successful I was at being a Mom on Chemo.

I seriously walked into this appointment expecting my life to change completely.  But guess what? I'm fine.  It is a rare form of skin discoloration (maybe caused by my medications); it is called Lichen Aureus (Progressive Pigmented Purpura). My case is rare, because it is on my torso and is just one spot.  It probably wont go away any time soon but I am fine.  

No biopsy.  No Cancer.  No Chemo. No Life Altering sickness.  I am fine. 

 

Why did I spend so much time stressing about this?? I could have saved so much time, energy, tears and emotions by just waiting for the Doctors appointment and not worrying.  So I gained nothing from my dramatized worry.  If I didn't have the plan and it ended up being something I would have just figured it out then.  So long story short, DON'T PREEMPTIVELY DRAMATIZE YOUR WORRY!

Also- side note.  This is just another super rare thing about my body that doctors don't understand or know what to do with. It's frustrating to have so many unknowns in my chronic medical story. Ugh- but looking at the positive, no cancer (and the rest of my skin looks great)!